There are moments in everyone's life that change their entire perception of reality. We all have them, and we all have different reasons behind them. It can be complicated. It can be bewildering. But most of all, it can be so life-altering that you find yourself wondering how you avoided it for so long. It's a complex thing to witness that moment in total awareness, and another entirely to find that threshold and capture that moment.
Speaking from a very personal place, I've realized that I've been stood on the edge of the proverbial knife for months now. I've been struggling to balance between being the healer and the warrior. I've been struggling to balance between my emotions and my thoughts. I've been struggling to balance between spirit and mind. I've been struggling to balance between what I'm feeling and what an intense empathic connection is causing me to feel.
I feel myself in liminality. It feels the way that I feel while will-working in a ritual mindset, but drawn out and twisted in a way where it's all so mutable and malleable. I look back on the last few months, and I see so many points where I could have stepped away from this knife-edge balancing act, chosen one course of action over another, one side over another. As much as I want to find closure, I find myself trapped in the between, because I've been unable to say that even the outcomes I do not desire are final.
It would be easy to dismiss it as being unwilling to accept that what I want is not meant to be, but that isn't the case. What I want exists in a state of uncertainty, neither set in stone nor impossible. The very concept lies in flux, and the road to get there requires me to practice my continuing path of personal alchemy while standing on the razor's edge.
I find myself caught between. It is my nature to be the warrior. I've always been the one to confront spiritual ills head on and drive them out, be it a spirit causing unease, emotional instability making matters difficult, or anything else of the sort. My instinct when confronted with opposition that threatens my loved ones is to fight it with everything I have. And yet now, I am called not to be the warrior, but to be the healer for someone that I care very deeply for. I find that I must focus my energies on compassion and understanding rather than confrontation and removal. I find that I am expected to restrain the part of me that has always been given to aggression in order to facilitate this part that thrives on mercy.
And yet the curious part, is that I realize that I cannot simply give myself over to the healer's path. There are still challenges that lay ahead on this road that I've chosen that will require the warrior spirit to overcome. Likewise with the other struggles I've got going on in my head. I can't switch off my emotions (which is just about the most unusual sensation in the world for me) and let my thoughts run the show, because the few times I've tried, it's been like the worst chill I've ever experienced. I can't separate my emotions from another's, either, because if I do, then my efforts as a healer are pointless.
So my efforts mustn't be to choose which side I will step to. Instead, I will make my goal being to pull myself up to the middle path, above the liminal edge, and find the balanced road.
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