I've made some vague mentions about my efforts as a group practitioner of will-work over the last few years, but without any real details. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again: There are two reasons for that, the first being that I don't discuss my own will-working openly, and the second being that I don't discuss anyone else's.
That said, I'm no longer a part of that group. Fate has conspired to bring that bond to an unstable state, and as basic communication has fallen by the wayside, anything done in meditation has been completely eliminated. I have, however, come to a realization about that which should have come a lot sooner: I'm not meant for the group practice approach. I never was, and likely never will be until the day that I cement the bond with the one meant to be my mate.
My path is a unique one, and doesn't mesh well with those on more traditional ceremonial paths. Simply gaining a meditative focus for me depends more on adrenaline than on relaxation. Focusing my thoughts is less gently merging with the universe than it is forcefully projecting myself at the current situation. I'm not a passive participant in the spiritual elements of the world around me, it's just not how I function. Even efforts of Reiki style healing are more primal in approach, either focusing on driving out the pain with positive energy or trying to grasp onto pain and haul it out through force of will. Adding that kind of aggressive will-work to more conventional relaxed will-work just doesn't mix.
So for the past few months, it's been back to the solitary path for me, albeit with a partner of sorts who has been the focus of much of my thoughts. I've spent a lot of it refocusing my energy back to the warrior path. Started off with more workouts at home, and especially more sword training. But the weights I have at home stopped being a challenge a while ago, so it was time to take the next step.
I broke down and got a gym membership, and have been hitting the weights and heavy bag three times a week for the last month. I treat every session as an informal devotional. Thanks in large part to a good friend of mine, I've been concentrating on any sort of lift with a combat application, so if it mimics a sword thrust or a pugilist's strike, I'm all for it. I'm gradually building into a solid routine, and it's all part of my effort to get into the best shape of my life. So far, so good. The bag-work has been an outstanding release of energy for me, especially once I picked up proper wrist wraps (Meister MMA has awesome prices on these, $4 for a longer, softer set than the $8 Everlast pair I picked up first).
My full moon and new moon lunar rites are back on track, with some of the most amazing alterations I could have asked for. For the past year, I've been unable to communicate with anyone while in the middle of a devotional as part of the bans of the ritual. Now, I've got one person that I can talk to freely throughout, who both Fenrir and Hela approve of wholeheartedly, and have welcomed into "the pack" even though her role in the future remains nebulous. I focus the full moon rites on Fenrir's rage and dealing with spirits and problems that build up throughout the cycle, while the new moon rites are focused on divination and receiving guidance from Hela's vast connections to the dead.
Honestly, life is good. Aside from the typical bullshit parts that get thrown at it, especially when you find someone worth caring about as much as you do yourself, if not more. My faith is stronger than ever, my practices are more stable than ever, and I've got someone who makes me happy just to spend time chatting with. In a lot of ways, this is the closest to being at peace that I can remember being.
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