So to continue on with my meditation journal, I'm going to skip ahead a bit and explain how my work with Fenrir advanced to the next stage. At first, the meditations were just a matter of temper control and gaining focus. It was more a state of emotional understanding rather than any sort of meditative communication. As always, I have to stress that meditation and spirit-work is no substitute for actual psychiatric care, and that I don't advocate this as the default approach; this is simply my experience and what worked for me.
I repeated the silent visits through meditation that I described last time over a period of about a year. Every time, the calming effects were heightened and had a longer lasting time frame. It was probably the most stable that I've felt short of the past year, and certainly the first time that I really had a grip on who I was.
The next major phase with the Bound One was a bit different. After that first year, I could feel the same serene rage as soon as I entered my meditative state. It was an automatic thing, regardless of whether I approached the cave that led to Fenrir's prison. It was something that I couldn't quite fathom at first, but I started to realize that it was a sign of the Bound One's approval and acceptance. It was almost like being told "I know you're here, and you have my support" without a single word exchanged. I was gradually starting to realize why the Morrigan had led me to this. It wasn't just about learning a lesson in self control or managing my frustrations, but because Fenrir had much more to teach me.
I had continued to mentally train as well, running through combat drill after combat drill during meditations and learning to focus that fury into a constructive force. Eventually, I was called to the cave again. When I entered this time, it felt different. It wasn't just the anguish and the rage that rolled off of the Bound One, and for the first time, I heard his voice.
Fenrir explained to me a lot about why it took that sort of approach to control my anger, and why it had to be such a gradual process. My anger was rooted in my feelings of being trapped and held down by my surroundings. From the bullies at school, to my family's humble financial state, to -- at the time -- feeling burdened with the care of my elderly grandmother, I had grown to feel trapped in my own life for so long that there was nothing left for me to feel other than the rage. The only way to fix it was to understand it, and to eventually break from it. Obviously that's an ongoing issue, but that's another matter entirely. The point was that he understood my pain and my rage the same way he had revealed his own to me. We were kindred spirits, and that was what ultimately led to our pact.
It was a very strange process for me. Even with my bond with the Morrigan as a teacher and a guide, and as warlike and harsh as she can be, I wasn't expecting or necessarily prepared for connecting with a being like Fenrir. There is violent and wrathful, and then there's the Bound One. His isn't a path motivated by hate or revenge, it simply is; Fenrir taught me that the type of destruction he represents is the very natural force of inevitability. Everything is finite and destined to fall eventually, and in accepting that, there is a tremendous freedom to be gained in enjoying the moment.
Once I understood that, he explained that I was ready to begin studying his ways. He instructed me to look within and find the embodiment of my own fetters, and that there I would find the answers (that's another set of experiences entirely, let's just say that I followed it blindly for almost 8 years before realizing what, exactly, Fenrir meant and acting on it). He also informed me that there would be others like me that I would find, and that I wouldn't recognize them until the time was right.
Now, in spite of the familiarity that was forming, I had still been cautioned by other spirits about dealing with the Bound One. Other gods I had encountered in meditation aimed to tell me how dangerous he was and how he couldn't be trusted. I think those cautions slowed my progress in the short term, because I took everything he'd said with a grain of salt, and that was ultimately what led to my failure to understand his guidance. Even though I continued to work with the energies he'd shown me and pursued the instructions, it would be quite some time until I was face to face with the Wolf God again.
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