I find it a fairly curious thing that I've grown to know when a full moon approaches without consulting a moon chart or looking into the sky. It's just sort of become an automatic thing, either as a facet of my subconscious or an unconscious habit (I've heard varying statistics of 21 days to form a habit, or 10 weeks to form a habit; either way, I've been undertaking devotional walks on the full moon every lunar cycle since August of this year, so the timeline fits). Predictably enough, two nights ago, I got that mental ping telling me to look up while walking home from work, and saw a very nearly full moon above; just early enough of a heads-up to prepare for this cycle's meditations. As the standard ritual procedure is to invoke Fenrir, consume large quantities of meat, followed by large quantities of whiskey, followed by a long walk, the time to hit the grocery and liquor stores is a welcome boon.
At any rate, I take it as a sign that my meditative walks are having the desired effect. By starting with tuning into the lunar cycle, the wolf-bond is showing the start of a stronger connection with the natural world, and that's definitely bringing a greater peace of mind. Having stuck to the devotional walks regardless of weather (thus far only dealing with rain, winds, and cold November nights here in upstate New York -- I'm sure snow will be here for the next one), there's an element of accepting the things that you cannot change involved, and it's hard to ignore that lesson. Simply acknowledging that certain things in life are inevitable and that struggling against them is pointless, is incredibly freeing.
What I find striking about the meditations is that each cycle has held a different focus, each one relevant to what I've been thinking about most insistently in the previous month. In the first devotional, my mind was drawn to thoughts of setting right something that had gone terribly against how I would have liked it to (and I won't get into details here, because they aren't really necessary) about a week prior, and helped me form the words to at least make some measure of closure come about. The second devotional was what led me to my previously mentioned "showdown" with my scourge-figure, who had been running amok in my subconscious and left me in a very negative headspace, and helped me overcome a lot of what caused that scenario. The third devotional was all about reconciling why I'd felt drawn to certain divine figures that previously, I'd held no affinity for, and helped me to explore some of the deeper aspects of my slowly growing personal pantheon. Thus far, there's always been a pattern, as well; the first night reflects past problems, the second shows the present situation, and the third demonstrates possible solutions. Which brings me to last night's walk...
I'm going to preface this with something very important: When I set out on a devotional walk, I never have any set course planned out ahead of time; I simply walk out of my door, and let my path choose itself. It varies every time, even if there are certain streets and paths I almost always take. Usually, it takes about an hour to 90 minutes, at the most. Last night's was different; it took two and a half hours round-trip, and wound up circling the usual spots twice. I wound up walking by every place that I have lived in town, sort of a retracing my steps. I wasn't so much thinking about that at the start of the walk, but it became obvious before long. As with anything where a ritual trance is involved, there was a reason behind it.
I realized fairly quickly that the reason I was retracing my steps was because I needed to see all of the wrong turns I've taken over the years, and pinpoint how to start correcting them. It isn't easy to take in your own mistakes, especially ones that you thought you'd accepted and resolved with yourself, but sometimes it's what has to be done. The resounding theme was that all cases of thinking I could call a place home had been outright false. I'd deluded myself into thinking that there would be any kind of lasting peace and quiet, and that I could actually set down roots. That time hasn't come yet, and likely won't come for a while; I need to remain fairly mobile and able to leave this town in the future, and to wait until I'm in the right situation to choose where those roots need to find ground. It also took a more personal and more direct turn in the second circle around town. It sent me on a very specific path, one that I've walked before and that actually laid some of the foundation of what started the devotional walks in the first place. It was the same lesson, just with a different purpose. I was looking for the wrong outcome in the wrong time.
Where tonight's and tomorrow's devotional walks will lead is difficult to say, but I'm thinking the theme appears to involve the notion of home and building my desired life. Considering the amount of thought I've had toward my recent (albeit minor) promotion at work, and toward the potential for leaving my home town behind in the spring, and toward finding the right woman to spend the next phase of my life with... it makes sense. The wolf knows where I need to get to, it's just a matter of showing me how to get there.
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